Why does my mind go blank in conversation? And how do I fix it?

#1: Remember your response isn’t a test of character.

We’ve all been there. Conversation is humming along, and then…it’s our turn to talk. We’re supposed to say…something. Anything.

But our mind goes blank. 

Actual footage of my brain during an awkward pause.

An astute reader named Sophie has been thinking a lot lately about how and why her mind goes blank, and she gave me permission to share her musings.

For her, she says, the timing is always terrible—her mind always goes blank when someone wraps up a story or a joke and she’s supposed to respond, or when someone inquires about her opinion or asks a question. She has an empathic understanding of the moment, saying, “It seems my mind is trying to ‘protect’ me,” but, she implies, it’s still annoying to have a mental test pattern at the exact wrong time.

And of course, a few minutes later, when the moment has passed, an ideal answer pops into her mind. 

Many of us share Sophie’s experience: our brain dips out right when we need it. Minutes later, we’ll think of the perfect response and do a facepalm.

“Why did I not think of that five minutes ago?”

Why does this happen? And more importantly, what can we do about it? 

One reason is physiology: Social anxiety means we feel socially unsafe (whether we are or not doesn’t actually matter). Our inner critic warns us, if we say something stupid, give the wrong answer, or otherwise don’t live up to expectations, it will become obvious to everyone around us that we are stupid, awkward, a loser, or insert feared reveal here.

Putting ourselves on the spot to make a just-right comment, answer a question correctly, or offer an erudite, nuanced opinion is a social threat. 

And our bodies react to any threat the same way, whether it’s a physical threat like a bus barrelling down on us, or a social threat like a professor staring expectantly at us while the whole class waits for us to talk. 

The classic responses are fight or flight, but a brain frazzled by adrenaline and deprived of blood shunted to big muscles doesn’t allow you to think straight, much less be articulate or charming. (Freeze, a third response, is very different physiologically, but also obscures thinking.) 

I’ll just leave this here. Sorry not sorry.

Keeping yourself safe always takes priority over dropping a witty comment.

As our reader Sophie intuited, our minds are trying to protect us. But the alarm bells are a little too sensitive and a little too loud.

So what to do? How can we feel safer in the moment and keep our brains in the game? Here are four things to try:

1) Remember your response isn’t a test of character.

I’ve written before about perfectionism and its effects, but it bears repeating. One of the pillars of perfectionism is over-evaluation, meaning we equate our goodness as a person with our performance. We’re overly invested in our conversational responses because we think they’re a reflection of our character. Forgive the grammar, but “I did good” means “I am good.”

But you are so much more than your responses. Any given answer doesn’t define you; it’s just one answer. Plus, putting yourself to the test with every conversation creates a lot of pressure. No wonder it’s hard to think. Instead, try to…

2) Filter less by listening more.

A tried-and-true way to feel less anxious is, essentially, to pay attention to anything except yourself. But don’t pay attention to any old thing: that’s distraction. Instead, pay attention to what you’re supposed to be paying attention to, which is called engagement.

In the case of conversation, engage in what is being said. Listen for a word or phrase that pops out at you or sparks a thought. The psychologist Adam Mastroiannai, who writes a scary-smart Substack, calls these “doorknobs,” as in objects to grasp and open, facilitating exploration and discovery. A conversational doorknob can be anything the person you’re talking with says: a word, a phrase, a reaction—whatever your brain naturally zeroes in on. Then, once you’ve seized onto a conversational doorknob in your mind…

3) Experiment with prioritizing quantity over quality. You read that right.

**This one is for those among us who give concise answers. If you are prone to nervous chatter, skip this step.** 

This tip is for those of us who, when posed the question, “I tried pickleball for the first time last week—have you ever played?” answer with…

“No, I haven’t.”

And then our mind goes blank.

If this sounds like you, experiment with upping the quantity of conversation while giving yourself a break on the expectation to generate conversation of the highest quality. 

Give your conversation partner more to work with. Aim for a few sentences, which at first will feel like you’re taking up too much air time, but will offer conversational doorknobs and—surprise!—will increase the quality of your overall conversation in the long run.

In response to the pickleball question, you may say, “No, I haven’t,” but then add that your roommate recently started playing and is always inviting you, that you can’t get over the name “pickleball” because it makes you picture hitting dill pickles with rackets, or that you have an inexplicable resistance because you associate it with the terrible tennis lessons you took as a child. There: lots of doorknobs!

This is a picture of a great conversation

4) Being real will get you further than being impressive.

Everyone likes to put their best foot forward, but when we only show the world our best, we come across as one-dimensional. One of my favorite quotes is from the psychologist and author Dr. Harriet Lerner, who writes in The Dance of Connection, “I am neither drawn to, nor inspired by, folks who always seem to be competent and having a good day.” 

The most common reason we go blank is because of the pressure we put on ourselves to sound erudite, cool, or witty. But when we make room for the blips and bloops of human communication, we can lower that pressure. 

If you give a slightly lame answer, answer part of the question but not all of it, or declare, “Wow, my train of thought just derailed—what was the question again?” no one gets arrested.

Keep your context in mind—your conversational bar should stay high in a job interview. But in a casual conversation, by putting all your feet forward, as it were, you’ll come across as human rather than superhuman.

Bonus: You don’t have to answer the question literally.

Woe to anyone on the receiving end of a hyper-specific question, like “What’s your most embarrassing moment?” We riffle through the file cabinets of our mind, hemming and hawing, feeling awkward as the second tick by, searching for THE answer.

But you don’t have to do that. The essence of any getting-to-know-you question is exactly that: getting to know you. So you *can* answer the question literally if you’d like, but you can also give an adjacent answer or pivot to another topic. 

Let’s say you’re asked, “How would you spend a perfect day?” You don’t have to run through an hour-by-hour itinerary. Giving an accurate answer isn’t the point. Instead, you could talk about people important to your life, your favorite things to do, or places close to your heart. The point is to share little bits of your life, and to have bits of others’ lives shared with you.

Then, rinse and repeat. Over many conversations, that’s called building a community.

Thank you for giving me feedback about the GIFs! The verdict was 50/50, so I’ll split the difference with some GIFs and some still images.

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Be kind to others and yourself!