The Biggest Myth About Living Your Values

Or, what I learned from party planning.

How to Be Enough’s book birthday is just a month away! I’m feeling excited—I can’t wait to share it with you! And I’m feeling overwhelmed. I forgot just how much goes into launching a book into the world—podcast interviews, original articles, checking all the boxes. It can be easy to forget to celebrate the moment.

Me recording the audiobook last week!

Speaking of celebrating the moment, I’ve been waffling about whether or not to have a book launch party for, NGL, months. No surprises here—I don’t love big parties, I don’t like being the center of attention, and I don’t like self-promotion. But I do love being part of different communities and bringing people together. Plus, when I look back on my life, I know I’ll be glad I commemorated the moment. 

In the end, I decided to have a party (yay!), but the whole process was a visceral reminder of the biggest myth about living our values, which is: living our values will always feel amazing. The myth tells us: If I just choose the “right” value, I’ll feel great.

But living our values doesn’t always feel amazing. It might come bundled with not-so-amazing feelings: anxiety, guilt, annoyance. Don’t get me wrong: not always. But sometimes.

This is a hard sell. It’s difficult to get clients (or podcast hosts looking for a life hack) on board with not feeling amazing. But let me tell you a story about a client we’ll call Steve:

Steve has two young kids and a busy job that pulls him in many directions. But that means he often finds himself missing out on soccer games because he’s answering emails on his phone in the field’s parking lot, or ducking out of bedtime stories to go catch up on work in the evening. Over the years, his kids have learned to go to mom for everything, which makes Steve feel like an outsider in his own family, plus makes his partner resentful for always picking up his slack.

Steve wanted to follow his values of being attentive to his kids, but as he began to truly live those values—cheering on the sidelines at the soccer games and reading bedtime stories—it meant he felt his phone buzz in his pocket again and again. Work always beckoned. He felt anxious about possibly being perceived as less on top of things at work, even as he prioritized his kids.

“Steve” feeling both good and not-so-good while living his values.

He was living his values, but he was disappointed that following his values didn’t make him feel confident and on top of the world. 

To this, I say, if you’re going to feel uncomfortable either way, you might as well feel uncomfortable while being the person you want to be.

Feeling a little uncomfortable in order to do what’s important to me? It’s a deal!

The bottom line? The life we truly want will come bundled with some negative emotions. They’re inevitable but worthwhile. Steve found that being the dad he wanted to be came bundled with some anxiety about work. (And continuing to prioritize work would have come bundled with guilt, anyway. )

Likewise, I know that bringing my communities together for a party will come bundled with some social discomfort. But the ease of not having a party would have come bundled with regret.

For you, being proud of yourself for asking for that raise will come bundled with some anxiety. Following the value of trusting your kid with more independence will come bundled with some worry. Going to the gym and feeling healthy will come bundled with some initial reluctance. Or the other way around: skipping the gym so you can rest will come bundled with some guilt. 

But, if we expect the package deal, the side effect of negative emotions is easier to accept. Negative emotions are only a problem if we think they shouldn’t be happening.

All in all, look at your actions: are they in line with the person you want to be? Are you doing things that match the life you want to live? Ultimately, what package deal of emotions, both good and bad, are you willing to feel to live the life you want?

 If you found this post useful, there’s a lot more in How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists, coming January 7, 2025. And hey, there’s a preorder button right there! 

Pre-orders are THE single best way to support me and this work—they send a message to publishers and bookstores and help influence print runs and publicity efforts. Whether you’ve been here since Savvy Psychologist days or you just discovered this newsletter yesterday, thank you for considering a pre-order!

Be kind to others and yourself!