Terrifically helpful. I departed a Zoom meeting this morning worried because I had let the facilitator know I needed to leave at set dismissal time. Meeting seemed to possibly run over and the facilitator acknowledged. Yet, I worried did I use an appropriate tone, did I ask respectfully, should I have been late for my next appointment and assumed this meeting would end? Doubts seem often for me attached to approval. Wondering your thoughts on validation versus approval. Thank you.
Susan, this is a great example! May I ponder this and address it as a future newsletter? If so, a couple questions: 1) can you tell me more about the feared outcome? What are the doubts worried will happen? "They'll be mad at me?" "They'll think a burden." Something else? 2) Can you tell me the difference for you between validation and approval? I think this is a really fruitful topic--thank you so much for raising it!! If you'd prefer to email me you can reply to the Substack or email ellen@ellenhendriksen.com.
I was actually wondering if there was a generational divide! I'm aiming for a combo: I love GIFs too, but I can see how too much animation would be really distracting when I'm trying to read a newsletter.
Just this week I have been over evaluating a presentation on Tuesday evening. I was prepared. I hit on the main points but when it was over I was so critical of how I felt I was presenting. It the practice of "mind reading" the people you are presenting to and concluding without evidence that it was "boring" and "pointless." This perfection thing is so tough to shake. I'll need a second read of How to be Yourself and How to Be Enough. Social Anxiety and Perfectionism have a power to harness for good, as Ellen would say. I'm a slow learner on that point or its old habits are hard to break.
It IS tough to shake. My brain does something similar after anything involving a microphone. For you, is it just what your mind does after a presentation? Does your brain just automatically say "Everyone thought that was boring"? If "they thought that was pointless" is preprogrammed and involuntary, can you disregard it because it's functionally a reflex? Regardless, sounds like you were prepared and hit your points--that's a solid, objective "fulfilled my intention" in my eyes. I'm so glad to have you as a reader, Kevin!
Love the shift of looking at Nora’s situation through her values. Having four kids myself (now grown) and having gone through enough “I forgot my homework/bag/lunch/gear at home can you drive it to school” I really feel for her and wish she could see how her love and devotion makes an impact on the long term. Also by this happening her kids can see she is human too - and hopefully will learn to be more responsible - which is ultimately what we want and try to teach our kids anyway. Thanks Ellen, for this moment down memory lane (for me) and the validation that, even as a Nana, is good to revisit.
Thanks Ellen, so very kind of you! I would absolutely be open to it if it were possible. Love the support and acknowledgement that you foster in all that you share. Many blessings!
Thank you for your advice. As an artist, I struggle a lot with feeling satisfied with my own work. External validation is rare in this industry anyway. Most of the time I don‘t fully like my songs or think they‘re outstanding, then I feel stuck in a loop. Because an artist who never shares their work can’t succeed, but I don’t know how to break out of this cycle. Even if I’m 80% happy with a song, it’s not enough to motivate me to fully promote it. Your questions help a bit, but for example, with the last one—finishing a song always feels exhausting. I love writing, but the finalizing process drains me.
Terrifically helpful. I departed a Zoom meeting this morning worried because I had let the facilitator know I needed to leave at set dismissal time. Meeting seemed to possibly run over and the facilitator acknowledged. Yet, I worried did I use an appropriate tone, did I ask respectfully, should I have been late for my next appointment and assumed this meeting would end? Doubts seem often for me attached to approval. Wondering your thoughts on validation versus approval. Thank you.
Susan, this is a great example! May I ponder this and address it as a future newsletter? If so, a couple questions: 1) can you tell me more about the feared outcome? What are the doubts worried will happen? "They'll be mad at me?" "They'll think a burden." Something else? 2) Can you tell me the difference for you between validation and approval? I think this is a really fruitful topic--thank you so much for raising it!! If you'd prefer to email me you can reply to the Substack or email ellen@ellenhendriksen.com.
Really appreciate these pointers. Thank you.
Side note - can we have less gif's? I find them distracting and sometimes choose not to read the article because of them.
Sure thing--you're not the first person to request fewer GIFs. I'll try to work in more still images. Thank you for the feedback!
I personally love the gif‘s… but I‘m Gen-Z maybe that’s why:D
I was actually wondering if there was a generational divide! I'm aiming for a combo: I love GIFs too, but I can see how too much animation would be really distracting when I'm trying to read a newsletter.
I love the gifs and think they tie in wonderfully.
I appreciate you weighing in, Rachel! I'm aiming for a mix.
Committing these three reframes to memory - so useful! Thank you Ellen 💙
Great post! I needed to read this today. ❤️
I'm glad it was useful to you!
Just this week I have been over evaluating a presentation on Tuesday evening. I was prepared. I hit on the main points but when it was over I was so critical of how I felt I was presenting. It the practice of "mind reading" the people you are presenting to and concluding without evidence that it was "boring" and "pointless." This perfection thing is so tough to shake. I'll need a second read of How to be Yourself and How to Be Enough. Social Anxiety and Perfectionism have a power to harness for good, as Ellen would say. I'm a slow learner on that point or its old habits are hard to break.
It IS tough to shake. My brain does something similar after anything involving a microphone. For you, is it just what your mind does after a presentation? Does your brain just automatically say "Everyone thought that was boring"? If "they thought that was pointless" is preprogrammed and involuntary, can you disregard it because it's functionally a reflex? Regardless, sounds like you were prepared and hit your points--that's a solid, objective "fulfilled my intention" in my eyes. I'm so glad to have you as a reader, Kevin!
Love the shift of looking at Nora’s situation through her values. Having four kids myself (now grown) and having gone through enough “I forgot my homework/bag/lunch/gear at home can you drive it to school” I really feel for her and wish she could see how her love and devotion makes an impact on the long term. Also by this happening her kids can see she is human too - and hopefully will learn to be more responsible - which is ultimately what we want and try to teach our kids anyway. Thanks Ellen, for this moment down memory lane (for me) and the validation that, even as a Nana, is good to revisit.
I love this! I wish I could introduce you to each other—you’d be a great resource as someone who has gone before.
Thanks Ellen, so very kind of you! I would absolutely be open to it if it were possible. Love the support and acknowledgement that you foster in all that you share. Many blessings!
Thank you for your advice. As an artist, I struggle a lot with feeling satisfied with my own work. External validation is rare in this industry anyway. Most of the time I don‘t fully like my songs or think they‘re outstanding, then I feel stuck in a loop. Because an artist who never shares their work can’t succeed, but I don’t know how to break out of this cycle. Even if I’m 80% happy with a song, it’s not enough to motivate me to fully promote it. Your questions help a bit, but for example, with the last one—finishing a song always feels exhausting. I love writing, but the finalizing process drains me.