How to know if you did a good job

Spoiler: the answer isn’t necessarily "People liked it.”

Howdy all!

The irony of the following request combined with today’s topic is not lost on me! That said, if I want to keep being a writer, a girl’s gotta show her publisher some *stats.* 🤓📊📈

Therefore, if How to Be Enough made you think, feel seen, or cackle out loud, please do me a solid and write an *honest* review on Amazon. Click on the blue ratings next to the stars and then on “Write a customer review.” 

Since we’re all perfectionistic here, please don’t feel compelled to write a tome! “Helpful!” or even just a star rating is amazing. Thank yoOOoou! 🙏🙏🙏

Okay, on to today’s topic: how do we know if we’ve done a good job? 

The easiest, though dastardly-est metric is “Did people like it? It’s so easy to outsource the opinion of our work to other people. Evaluation is everywhere: reviews, ratings, likes, follows. Did my boss say “good work”? Did my colleagues tell me my presentation was good? Did people seem to have fun at my party? Substack even emails me with each post’s performance metrics! 

Everyone likes to be told they did a good job.

But when we outsource evaluation of our work to others, we’re get a skewed assessment. We have no influence over whether or not people were hungry, tired, or a wee bit distracted by, say, trying to be a human living in 2025. 

Plus, if we’re over-identified with our performance outcomes, or take evaluations personally, a phenomenon called overevaluation, we outsource our very self-worth to factors beyond our control. 

Therefore, here are three ways to make others’ approval a cherry on top, rather than the entire ice cream sundae.

And remember, my friend, you’re the whole dessert.

Mindset Shift 1: “Did I fulfill my intention?”

This one works when “good” is subjective: who’s to say if your outfit, the heavy metal album your band recorded in your garage, or *ahem* the book you wrote is “good?”

Opinions, by nature, are subjective and personal. Also, quality doesn’t ensure broad appeal—think of the amazing cult TV show that never hits it big, or the drool-worthy food truck that somehow hasn’t been discovered. Let’s not even get into Betamax.

Betamax: too good for this world

Instead, ask yourself: “Did I fulfill my intention?” In other words, did I do what I set out to do? Did I stay true to my purpose?

For example, my intention with my writing is always to be helpful, accessible, and stay true to the science. Is it nice when readers like it? Of course! Does it feel good to get positive feedback? You bet! But I tryyyyyyy not to chase approval and instead measure “success” as having done what I set out to do.

Mindset Shift 2: “Am I being the kind of person I want to be?”

This one is a helpful guiding light, especially when the proverbial waters are muddied by guilt, anxiety, resentment, or confusion. 

The best kind of muddy waters.

A client we’ll call Nora is a busy mom of four kids. Last Friday, her daughter texted her from school to say she had forgotten about hockey practice and could Nora pretty please bring her bag of gear? Nora agreed, but then accidentally grabbed and delivered a bag of her son’s lacrosse gear. Her daughter had to sit self-consciously in the stands during practice because of Nora’s error.

Nora was beside herself. “She missed practice because of me. The coach is going to be so mad. These kids deserve a better mom.” Nora was mortified not only by her mistake, but by the likelihood that her daughter and the coach would be displeased.

Rather than focusing on the perceived disapproval of others, we looked at the situation through Nora’s values. Nora wants to be a mother who is attentive, helpful, and enriches her children’s lives through experiences.

When we looked through that lens, Nora had lived every single one of those values. It took a while, but eventually she reflected, “Bringing my daughter’s equipment—even if it was wrong—was attentive and helpful, and she certainly had an experience. It didn’t kill her. Or me.” Nora still felt guilty and foolish for grabbing the wrong bag, but she was able to gain some perspective. 

Most importantly, even if she didn’t accomplish the goal of keeping everyone happy by delivering the correct equipment, she definitely acted in accordance with who she wants to be as a mom.

As for you, next time you feel anxious and tempted to avoid, or are kicking yourself for a mistake, try this out: what actions are in line with your values? What action would you choose if you were being the person you want to be? The answer is less important than the fact that you’re making the decision rather than outsourcing it.

We literally just said not to do that.

Mindset Shift 3: “Did I enjoy myself?”

Here, the focus is squarely on process. This mindset shift works when we put pressure on ourselves to gain approval even when we’re not very good at something, we’re learning something new, or performance isn’t the point.

When I talked with journalist Jennifer King Lindley for Oprah Daily (apologies for the paywall), she gave an excellent example: she’s learning how to knit, and finds it relaxing and meditative. But her knitting looks like, as she put it, “an ungroomed goldendoodle.” It’s not winning any awards. 

But that’s not the point. Jennifer enjoys the time she spends. She likes improving her skills, for sure, but improvement also isn’t the point. The point is flexing her creative muscle. For someone else, it could be engaging a different part of their brain, or enjoying the soothing cadence of repetitive motion. The take home? As long as it’s enjoyable, you’re doing it right. 

You enjoy it = you’re doing it correctly

There: three ways to evaluate your work that have nothing to do with whether or not other people liked it. As always, if you try any of these out, please let me know how it goes!

Be kind to others and yourself!