Calling all rule followers! A little-known reason we’re drawn to rules

If we are doing things correctly, we, in a sense, are also correct.

At this point in life, I like to think of myself as a recovering rule follower, but the stress of the holiday season makes me short out and revert to my factory settings. Every year, I spend way too much time and energy trying to figure out what the rules are so I can follow them. What is the “best” gift to get my 6-year-old nephew? What size holiday season tip is “most appropriate” for my hairstylist? What are the “correct” side dishes to serve with Cornish game hens? And what the heck is the “right” way to prepare these tiny shrink-rayed chickens, anyway?

Why do I do this? And why, my dear reader, might you orient to rules and standards, too?

Here’s psychology cosplaying as math: Uncertainty increases anxiety. Rules reduce uncertainty. Therefore, rules reduce anxiety. 

Rules can be comforting. They create order out of chaos. Especially if we’re trying something for the first time, or meeting people we’ve never met before, we can follow the rules of engagement so everything runs smoothly and harmoniously. 

A great philosopher once said…

What’s more, if a situation is ambiguous, we can create rules. Self-imposed rules can make our life better—think sticking to a budget, exercising three times a week, or turning off screens two hours before bed. Sticking to rules requires self-control and self-discipline, which in turn helps us reach goals and promotes a sense of mastery. In sum, rules help us make sense of the world.

Here’s the “little-known” bit I promised you in the title: rules don’t just help us make sense of the world, they can help us make sense of ourselves. Striving to meet standards is a way to gauge ourselves. If we are doing things correctly—whether it’s getting all A’s, hitting our goal weight, making everyone at the dinner party laugh at our jokes, or just loading the dishwasher in a space-efficient manner—we ourselves are also, in a sense, correct. Forgive my grammar, but ‘I did good’ equals ‘I am good.’

Sometimes this can go overboard. Those of us who are chronically self-critical or perfectionistic often have contingent self-worth, which is when we over-identify with our performance outcomes. Our self-esteem rides on whether we’ve met our standards or not, or even more precariously, whether others approved or not.

This means we take the results of our actions very personally. We set our standards way too high so our risk of disapproval is zero. But then, if we fail to meet our standards, it means we’ve failed. 

My brain warning me before I get too deep into contingent self-worth mode.

What to do? Please keep your high standards—that’s not the problem. But put some space between your identity and your failures. We can’t always hit it out of the park. But we can make room in our life for the inevitable mistakes, failures, and do-overs. We can feel bad without being bad. Indeed, problems from undercooked Cornish game hens to our own mistakes, struggles, and failures are the tax of being alive. In sum, our failures don’t mean we’re failures; they mean we’re human.

To wrap up, here’s a special wish from me to you for a wonderful 2024! Whether you’ve been here for years or just joined yesterday, I’m so lucky to have you as a reader. You are terrific! XOXO

Be kind to others and yourself!

Did you find this note from me useful? If so, please forward it to one person you care about. Even in our digital world, a word of mouth recommendation is still the most valuable. 

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