3 reasons to share more of yourself in conversation

I'll spare you a "sharing is caring" joke.

The season of sharing is upon us, but I’m not talking about sharing holiday gifts like a throw blanket that looks like raw beef or a yodeling pickle ornament (both of these actually exist). In order to feel closer and more connected to the people in your life, consider doing something counterintuitive: share more of yourself.

This isn’t necessarily what I meant by “sharing,” either.

Now, if you readily (over)share your life with others—airing your sex life to people at the gym or your colonoscopy prep gone wrong to colleagues, this newsletter is not for you.

It is, however, for those of us familiar with introversion or social anxiety. We prefer to ask questions, stick to agreeable phrases (“I feel you,” “That’s so crazy!”), or even just be pleasantly quiet. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Every speaker needs a listener. Every performer needs an audience. 

We might stay quiet because talking about ourselves, our feelings, or our opinions feels wrong. It feels like we’re taking up too much space or being self-centered. We might worry we’ll be boring, awkward, or run out of things to say.

Social anxiety whispers to us: hey, sharing about yourself opens you to judgment; staying quiet keeps you safe from criticism. And that may work in the short term. 

But there’s a cost. Long term, staying quiet means we stay incognito. There’s a saying: “When we don’t show much, nobody knows much.” Over time, we might feel isolated, separated, or like no one really knows us. 

So. If we want to deepen the connection between us and someone we’d like to be closer to, a great option is to share more about ourselves and our lives. 

Why does this work to build connection? Three reasons:

Reason #1: Sharing about yourself demonstrates trust.

When we share about our lives, it signals to the listener that we trust them. We demonstrate our conviction that they will be respectful stewards of our disclosures. This might explain a study out of Harvard Business School that showed even sharing shady stuff—drug use, sexually transmitted infections—comes across as more trustworthy than refusing to share at all.

Does this mean you should overshare your latest drunk-texting shame spiral with Marge from the office? No, sharing should be gradual and reciprocal. Plus, oversharing can be off-putting or make people feel pressured to overshare in return. 

You don’t have to reveal all—sharing is best when it’s gradual and reciprocal.

Therefore, start small: share with whomever you’d like to be closer to that you’re teaching yourself to make homemade gummy bears, or that you picked up your guitar for the first time post-pandemic. If you get back something equivalent or greater, consider upping your disclosure: you accidentally ate the whole batch of gummy bears while watching The Crown; you had a crush on your last guitar teacher. 

The pace and depth is up to you! Try being a tad more revealing than you normally would and see what happens. If you don’t get much back, no need to keep pressing forward. Remember—gradual and reciprocal.

Reason #2: Sharing about yourself builds likeability for you and them.

Don’t take it from me, take it from **science**: a meta-analysis in the prestigious Psychological Bulletin found that people who disclose about more personal topics tend to be liked more than people who disclose more superficially. Bonus! It also works in the opposite direction: we like people as a result of having disclosed to them. Sharing really is the gift that keeps on giving.

Sharing, plus a pickle callback!

Reason #3: Sharing is thoughtful and polite.

Counterintuitively, those of us who stay quiet often worry that talking about ourselves will be a burden on others—that it’s rude to make things about us. But staying quiet often makes our conversation partner have to work harder. Or, if we stay in our comfort zone of only asking questions or making supportive comments, it can make our conversation partner feel interviewed.

Now, if sharing your life is a challenge for you, only push yourself to share with people you want to get to know. You don’t have to reveal yourself just to be polite. 

That said, when you do, it not only redistributes the labor of conversation, it makes conversation richer and more colorful. Tossing the metaphorical balls back and forth is easier, plus it’s more fun than making one person juggle. 

I made it all the way to the end without a sharing is caring joke! You’re welcome. But please do share this newsletter! Even in our digital world, a word of mouth recommendation is still the most valuable. 

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Be kind to others and yourself!