Why “don’t care what people think” doesn’t work (and how to tweak it so it does)
You can’t control your feelings, but you can control your behavior.
Unpopular opinion: the advice “don’t care what people think” is unrealistic.
I know, I know: every pop song, social media influencer, and wellness guru tells us not to care what anyone thinks of us. To ignore the haters.
But too often, that’s an impossible order. Of course you’re going to care. Of course your feelings will be hurt if you’re criticized. That’s biology. It’s how we’re wired. We process social and emotional pain similarly to how we process physical pain. Judgment literally hurts.
What’s more, if we think a natural human reaction to criticism means we’re doing it wrong, we heap a big ol’ layer of shame and self- judgment on top, which makes us feel worse.
This is especially true for those of us who are wired to be a little more sensitive than the average bear. We take others’ judgments as proof of a flawed self, especially if we spend time and energy avoiding mistakes and ensuring we’re well-liked.
In short, we can’t control our feelings. That’s why “don’t care” doesn’t work.
However, we can edit the dictum until it does work. Let’s change “don’t care what people think” to “don’t let people determine your actions.”
While you can’t control your feelings, you can control your behavior.
If you think your new trench coat makes you radiate old Hollywood glamor, like Marlene Dietrich or Humphery Bogart, but your partner says you look like McGruff the Crime Dog, of course you’ll feel insulted. But you don’t have to switch to a poncho. You control what you wear.
Within your individual circumstances, you also control where you put your energy, what you eat, what you read, who you cuddle with, who you vote for, the list goes on.
So feel what you feel. But even more crucially, do what’s important and meaningful to you. The haters might indeed get you down, but they can’t tell you what to do.
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Be kind to others and yourself!
I love that you brought this point up. Thank you for another great post. <3
"Not caring" could be called apathy or indifference, which are emotions. And as you said, we can't control our emotions. I never liked the whole "Who cares what people think?" line that is and was constantly dumped on me when describing my social anxiety and fears.
I'm hoping someday I will be able to care about what I want and feel more than what others think about me. At the present, what people think about me has a far greater influence on my emotions, self-worth, and opinions of myself than I do.