Three reasons you suck at emailing and texting back on time (plus what to try)
It's not task avoidance, it's emotion avoidance.
A reader also named Ellen (Hi Ellen!) wrote in with an excellent question about digital communication: email, texts, Slack, DMs—all the ways we communicate in 2024.
She’ll say it better than me, so here are Ellen’s words:
I am paralyzed when it comes to replying on-time, and often avoid checking the apps because just seeing all the messages makes me want to crawl under a rock. I've talked to three separate therapists about this, and none seem to have a good way to deal with it. The feeling is universal, whether it comes from my CEO or my boyfriend. I've missed opportunities simply because of my fear of digital communication, and I can't keep living like this!
Ellen and I have more in common than our name—I also feel chronically overwhelmed by my email and am terrible at keeping on top of it. But I’m working on replying in a timelier manner, and I actually use the concepts I talk about below to help get me moving. Am I there yet? Not quite. But am I on my way? I’d like to think so. Read on:
The most important word Ellen uses in her message is “avoid.” She says she often avoids the apps because “seeing all the messages makes me want to crawl under a rock.”
This is classic procrastination. When we procrastinate, we’re not necessarily avoiding the task, we’re avoiding the emotion that comes with the task.
Why does digital communication make Ellen (and me, and maybe you) feel lousy enough to avoid it? Here are three guesses, plus three techniques to feel better:
Digital Communication Paralysis Reason #1: Classic Perfectionism
We think, somewhere in the deep recesses of our brains, that our text/email/Slack messages have to be superb, comprehensive, or instantaneous, not to mention well-written or witty. And that makes us feel overwhelmed, paralyzed, or incapable. Heck, any of us would want to avoid those feelings. No wonder our reader Ellen goes into rock-crawling mode.
Part of perfectionism is setting personally demanding standards for ourselves. We aim high in the areas we care about, whether that’s our achievement, work performance, fitness, parenting, social behavior, being healthy, or replying to digital communication in a quick and comprehensive manner.
For Ellen, I’ll bet money that she cares about doing a good job for everyone from her CEO to her boyfriend, which is fantastic. I hope she never stops caring. But let’s question whether deep care about every email or text is necessary or even helpful. Which brings us to…
What to try: Don’t care less. Care just as much, but add on questioning.
Rather than trying to care less (which is a bad idea and doesn’t work for the overly conscientious among us, anyway), retain your deep care about doing a good job and then add on questioning.
Some example questions: Does this message actually require a hit-it-out-of-the-park response? Do I need to solve this Slack question comprehensively before I answer, or can I reply now and ask for clarification or help? Do I need to make a decision about where to go to dinner now, or can I just reply to my boyfriend’s text with, “let’s talk about it when I call you on my lunch break.”
By adding on questioning, we keep our high standards but gently wonder whether our high standards need to be in effect for every message, every time.
Digital Communication Paralysis Reason #2: The All-or-Nothing Mindset
Perfectionism comes bundled with an all-or-nothing mindset like a burger comes bundled with fries and a Coke. Those of us familiar with perfectionism either attack our digital communication with gusto or avoid it entirely for days (not that I’ve ever done that, I swear.)
However, digital communication doesn’t lend itself to our all-or-nothing approach at all. Digital communication is constant. Emails, texts, Slack, Teams, social media—it just keeps on coming, which means we’re never done! We literally can’t do “all,” which leaves us at “nothing.”
What to try: Either work with your all-or-nothing brain or do the exact opposite.
If we’re wired with all-or-nothing tendencies, one solution is to apply that to digital communication. Don’t fight it. Inbox Zero, OHIO (Only Handle It Once), or other methods that embrace all-or-nothing (even if you’re never really “done”) might fit you well. Test-drive a method and see if the satisfaction of a blank inbox or zero notifications ignites a fire within you to keep it going.
Or, subvert it. Try going completely opposite to your natural all-or-nothing tendencies. This mindset works better for me. I chip away. I clear out five emails here, do ten minutes there, and generally try to tackle small chunks rather than expecting myself to do it “all” or languish at “nothing.”
However, my Achilles’ heel is email that requires a lot of thought or completing a task before I can reply: “Please review these copyedits,” or “How can we improve professional development in the graduate program?” Which brings us to…
Digital Communication Paralysis Reason #3: Demand Resistance
There are two types of tasks: “shoulds” and “wants.” “Shoulds” are the things we have to do—the chores, demands, and tasks of life. “Wants” are the choices—the things we choose to do.
Those of us who are extra-conscientious are quick to zero in on the “shoulds.” We’re task-oriented, which is useful when it comes to being responsible and reliable, but when our life feels like a long string of tasks, we get resentful. All work and no play makes anyone a disgruntled human.
I imagine that our reader Ellen avoids checking her apps because every time she opens one, she’s confronted with an inbox full of chores. Email lives up to its reputation as “a to-do list other people make for you.”
So then? We avoid. We balk. We resist. No one likes being told what to do, or to be overloaded with tasks, especially if our conscientious brains already fill our schedules with a lot of “shoulds.”
What to try: Reframe the task to match your values.
Rather than seeing digital communication as a task, reframe it to match what’s important to you. Here’s what I mean: when I view my inbox as just another task on a long to-do list, I’m more likely to balk or procrastinate. But when I view it as communicating with individual people I care about—readers, colleagues, and friends—I can feel my resistance start to ebb.
Shifting from “this is a chore” to “this is a conversation with a real person” works best for me, but maybe your shift will be “this is me being reliable,” or “this is me being helpful,” or even “this is just administrative work I can blow through—I can get it over with and save my energy for things I care about.”
An important note: we’re too smart to fake this. We can’t gaslight ourselves until a “should” is a “want.” But you’ll know you’ve matched the task to your values when you feel your resistance start to shift. The experience will change in a qualitative way.
For Ellen and all of us who suck at responding to digital communication in a timely manner, remember that knowledge and execution are different things. Even when we understand why we do something, changing our behavior is hard. But apropos to our theme of perfectionism, we don’t have to do a 180. Even small shifts can make a big difference.
At the same time, remember no one ever put “She responded promptly” on a tombstone. Focus on the most important things in life and grant yourself some grace.
Did you find this note from me useful? If so, please share it with one person you care about. Even in our digital world, a word of mouth recommendation is still the most valuable.
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Be kind to others and yourself!