This kind of past bullying predicts future perfectionism
You’d think getting thrown into lockers would stoke the fires of inadequacy within us, but covert social rejection cuts the deepest.
“You know, in middle school, bullies give you swirlies.”
For a ten-year-old me about to transition from the coziness of elementary school to the hormone-soaked cage fight of middle school, this agitated and worried warning from my friend made my hair stand on end. Breathlessly, she explained what a “swirlie” was: a bully forces your head in a toilet and flushes it. New fear unlocked.
Let me make this clear: all bullying is harmful. It’s targeted, intentional, repeated, and can have repercussions for decades. I’d estimate one-third of the clients I see for social anxiety or perfectionism can draw a straight line from childhood bullying to their current challenges.
We can categorize bullying into two camps: direct victimization, such as getting slammed into lockers, verbal abuse, having your lunch money stolen, or the dreaded swirlie.
But then there’s indirect victimization, also called social or relational aggression. This is more manipulative bullying, which, according to a study out of McMaster University, is “encouraging others to dislike a person, befriending another as a form of revenge, telling a person’s secrets to another, making insidious remarks about a person behind their back, and telling others to avoid a person.” Indirect aggression is more often used by girls, but can be perpetuated by kids of any gender.
How does this connect to perfectionism? Let’s review what perfectionism is: it’s pushing ourselves to meet unrealistic standards, being our own worst critic, and showing the world we’ve got it all together even if we’re struggling.
Most of all, perfectionism is a misnomer: it’s not necessarily striving for perfection; it’s striving to be beyond reproach.
The same McMaster study found that past indirect victimization was uniquely related to perfectionism later in life. Not only that, but past direct victimization—getting tripped in the hallway—had no relation to perfectionism.
Wait, what? Why would being gossiped about portend being so hard on ourselves later, but getting our lunch money stolen wouldn’t?
Here’s one idea: direct victimization, like being wedgied, is undeniable. It’s public and visible. No one can deny it’s happening. So while victims cope in different ways, direct action is acceptable: they might get mad, plot revenge, or pull in the help of adult figures.
But indirect victimization—gossip, character assassination—is plausibly deniable. It’s underground and invisible. If a victim were to take the same direct actions: confronting the bullies, pulling in help, the aggressors could play it off, “Who me?” “You can’t prove it.” “That’s not happening—you’re crazy.”
Also, because indirect victimization happens in the shadows, parents, teachers, and peers might not “see” it, even as the victim feels it viscerally.
Therefore? To manage, the person being indirectly victimized has no choice but to cope internally, which might include ramping up anxiety, people pleasing, or, to our point: perfectionism.
This makes total sense. If we’re being told we’re not good enough and rejected for it, and no one can see clearly enough to help us, of course we’re going to try to save ourselves by becoming as criticism- and rejection-proof as possible.
If any of this—direct or indirect—sounds familiar to you, my heart goes out to you. And because perfectionism may have helped keep you safe during that point in life, it makes sense that you’ve kept it up.
Personally, I come by my own perfectionism through some combination of genetics, personality, and reinforcement. I escaped bullying—including my friend’s warning of swirlies—by some combination of luck and, let’s keep it real, avoidance that bought me a lot at the time.
But regardless of whether you were bullied or not, honor what you had to do to survive seventh grade, or wherever you can trace your perfectionism back to. You (and I) did the right thing to stay safe(r) at the time.
And today, assuming your current environment is more secure than it was in the past, it may be safe to slowly update your coping. Maybe the perfectionism—striving to make yourself criticism-proof—is stealing the credit for keeping you safe today.
So honor what still works, and slowly update what doesn’t. You’ve come a long way from middle school, baby!
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Be kind to others and yourself!
Miller JL, Vaillancourt T. Relation between childhood peer victimization and adult perfectionism: are victims of indirect aggression more perfectionistic? Aggress Behav. 2007 May-Jun;33(3):230-41. doi: 10.1002/ab.20183. PMID: 17444529.
Excellent newsletter, Ellen. It really made me reflect on my own experiences growing up and how they've shaped me.
Fascinating! Thanks for sharing. I wonder if this distinction holds true for parental abuse as well. If your parents indirectly victimize you through gaslighting, shaming etc., are you more likely to be perfectionistic than if your parents were more direct (physical abuse, etc.)?