Question These 4 Rules from Your "Inner Rulebook"
Consciously or unconsciously, these will sound familiar.
Deep inside each of our brains is a book of rules. The book isn’t boilerplate—in fact, it’s custom-written for you, me, each of us.
Some of the rules were written by other people—usually our parents, but sometimes other important people in our life: Anything worth doing is worth doing well. Family always comes first. If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.
Other rules in the Inner Rulebook may seem small, but we follow them closely, out of habit or conviction: This is the correct way to set the table. You should include a handwritten personalized note on every holiday card. Don’t mix LEGOs and Bristle Blocks.
Finally, some of the rules in the Inner Rulebook are faint—they’re more of a gut intuition than a rule, but we hear them loud and clear: Don’t be awkward and weird. You should always be working on something. You can’t ask for help—if you do, you’re a burden.
Regardless of whether they’re conscious or unconscious, big or small, many of the rules in our Inner Rulebook fall into one of four general categories:
Endure everything.
Understand everything.
Like everybody.
Always be productive.
I didn’t make these up. They’re from Dr. Karen Horney (say “Hor-nai”), an influential German psychologist who was active in the first half of the 20th century and practiced in the U.S. later in her career. Her thinking on perfectionism, which she described as “the tyranny of the shoulds” still hits like a truth bomb almost 75 years later.
Let’s break each of the four categories down.
1. Endure everything.
Let’s take a client we’ll call Megan, a grad student who lives with roommates. Megan had Covid a couple weeks ago and confined herself to her room. Her roommates consistently asked through the door, “Can I get you anything?” “What do you need?” But Megan always said no, she was fine, and then spent way beyond her budget on Doordash and Instacart. She didn’t want to be a burden or feel indebted to them. For Megan, “Endure everything” morphed into “Don’t ask for help.”
But it can take other forms: Never feel hurt by others. Take on everything you’re asked to do. Take care of everyone. Be a rock. And more.
2. Understand everything.
Yusuf, like most college students, struggles with procrastination, especially around writing papers. But the reason became clear when he articulated his writing process: when it’s time to write a paper, he expects himself to sit down at his laptop and immediately begin typing complete paragraphs that require no edits. No wonder he puts off writing.
“Understand everything” often manifests as: Do everything well from the outset. Don’t struggle—it means you’re stupid or incapable. Things should come easily to me.
3. Like everybody.
Let’s turn this one slightly on its head. In social anxiety and perfectionism, the rule manifests more as “Be liked by everybody.” On some level, we think if we just perform well enough—if we can be interesting, or cool, or funny, or at least not awkward and stupid, we can avoid the mortification of someone not seeing us positively.
4. Always be productive.
This one speaks for itself. It can take the forms of: Always be working to improve yourself. Taking time out means you’re lazy. You’re only as good as your last game—keep proving yourself, among others.
Which leads us to: Which of these resonate with you, First name / friend? What rules in your Inner Rulebook are you consciously or unconsciously following?
For me, I’ve recently started pushing back on my unspoken rule of, “I should know how to do things,” which falls under the umbrella of “Understand everything.” I used to procrastinate, sometimes for days, over tasks where I didn’t know how to get started or what the first step “should” be. But giving myself permission for do-overs at the beginning has been refreshingly freeing and, ironically, helps me move forward more quickly.
Next time, we’ll talk about how to relax the Inner Rulebook without lowering your standards or abandoning your values!