No More 'Shoulds': Setting Goals That Inspire (Not Overwhelm) You

Or, how to overcome "demand resistance."

Happy, healthy 2025, dear readers! 

How is the book birthday of How to Be Enough just 4 days away?!? I’m more excited than a cat with a laser pointer!

How I’ve been feeling all week.

In the book, I make the case that you definitely don’t need a “new you.” That said, if you wish, it IS the time of year to reflect on our habits and make some changes. Me? I’m trying to use up the random stuff in my overcrowded pantry (pomegranate molasses, anyone?) and do some not-overwhelming decluttering, one drawer at a time.

I think he’s referring to my top desk drawer.

But did you know that 94% of resolutions are abandoned?? Most goals go unachieved. Sometimes it’s because the goal is too vague, uninspiring, or unrealistic.

 

But sometimes, goals get abandoned simply because we feel like we have to do them.

 

Goals can feel like chores. They can feel obligatory or dutiful.

·       I should really go to the gym—I resolved to be healthier this year.

·       I should skip that beer because I said I would do Dry January.

·       I oughta go to bed instead of turning on Netflix.

 

Even the fun stuff can slip into feeling like a chore: 

·       I should practice guitar—I said I would learn how to play.

·       I should RSVP “yes” to game night.

·       I’ve gotta sign up for that improv class—I told myself I would do it.

 

But all these statements have something in common: imperatives. Should, have to, ought to, gotta.

 

And then? Especially if we’re already a conscientious, responsible person with a lot of balls in the air, we might feel overloaded. We feel coerced. We feel resentful or indignant.

 

And then? We balk. We procrastinate. We resist. We dig in our heels.

 

Why? This is demand resistance, a negative, defiant opposition to perceived demands.  

 

When opposition feels inexplicable, it might be demand resistance.

Demand resistance often happens to those of us who are conscientious and responsible. Our lives are already *full* of things we have to do. So adding more “have tos,” even if we initially wanted to do them, leads to overload, which in turn leads to resistance. 

 

And then we get annoyed at ourselves: “This isn’t even hard!” “What is wrong with me?” We call ourselves lazy, disorganized, unmotivated, mentally ill.

 

But it’s none of those things. It’s demand resistance. 

 

If this sounds familiar, what can you do? 

 

Good news: you don’t have to give up on your goal, half-ass anything, or force yourself to double down. 

 

Instead, reflect on why you have your goal. Look underneath the “shoulds” and identify what about your goal is meaningful, interesting, fun, or holds purpose for you? 

 

In other words, look for the ‘want’ under the ‘should.’ You’ll know you’ve found it when you feel the resistance start to ebb. 

 

When your resistance starts to loosen up and your goal feels chosen rather than coerced, you’ll know you found it. 

 

You can’t gaslight yourself into this. You’re too smart for that—it has to be genuine and you’ll know it when you’ve found it.

 

·       I’m headed to the gym because I feel powerful afterwards.

·       I’m gonna skip Netflix because I want to do a face mask and read my novel before bed.

·       I’m saying ‘yes’ to game night because I like the people there.

 

 

And if that un-magic word—should—is still there? “I should do improv because Ollie promised it was fun.” You’re allowed to opt out. Let the goal go.

 

Bottom line: find what’s meaningful, interesting, purposeful, or fun, and run toward it.

 

Guess he figured out what was meaningful about his goals!

If you found this post useful, there’s a lot more in How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists, coming January 7, 2025 (holy guacamole, that’s 4 days away). And hey, there’s a preorder button right there! 

 

Pre-orders are THE single best way to support me and this work—they send a message to publishers and bookstores and help influence print runs and publicity efforts. Whether you’ve been here since day one or you just discovered this newsletter yesterday, thank you for considering a pre-order!

Be kind to others and yourself!