How to Let Go of Unnecessary Rules

Plus a puzzle, because who doesn't love puzzles?

Dots and Two Dots may be addictive smartphone games, but they come from a long, distinguished lineage of dot games and puzzles (Connect the Dots, anyone?)

Consider the “Nine Dot Problem,” first introduced by Dr. Norman Maier in 1930 in an article in The Journal of Comparative Psychology.

Here are the three rules:

1)Draw four lines 2) that connect all 9 dots 3) without picking up your pen.

Go ahead and take some time to try to figure it out—it’s more fun to do this experientially. 

When I first saw the nine dot problem, I stared at it for a long time, testing out different solutions in my head. A familiar urge of perseverance—“I will dig in and do this!”--kicked in. I wanted to figure it out by myself. But I couldn’t. 

Here are several solutions, all on the same theme:

When I was shown the answer, I found I had inadvertently assigned myself another rule: 4) Without going outside the square created by the nine dots.

I added an extra rule. And that extra rule got in my way. (Insert thinking outside the box joke here).

Sometimes rules can be helpful, but sometimes they get in the way.

Consider this: Following the rule “Wait for an invitation” works if you’re using it to determine if you should attend your cousin’s wedding, but the same rule doesn’t work when trying to join a conversation with your colleagues in the breakroom.

Even important rules don’t work in all contexts: “Family comes first” might apply 99% of the time, but not when you have sudden radiating pain in your left arm before Thanksgiving dinner—then it’s time to leave your family and call an ambulance.

In social anxiety and perfectionism, we tend to add rules to situations. 

“I can’t say hi unless they saw me.”

“I can’t ask for help.”

“I can’t show this to anyone until it’s done.”

“I can’t try until I feel ready.”

“Only if it won’t make anyone mad.”“Only if I don’t risk making a fool of myself.”

“Only if I won’t feel uncomfortable.”

This doesn’t mean you have to give up being a rule follower, or being ethical, or trying to do the right thing. All those traits are great! Please don’t give them up.

But what we can do is ask: does this rule work given the situation? Is this rule helping me live the life I want to live?”

For example, “I have to be nice” is a rule that works well most of the time. But does that mean we can never ask for a raise because we might make our boss uncomfortable? Or we can’t yell “Leave me alone!” at a stranger harassing us on the street?  

Again, the question isn’t “Did I follow the rule?” 

Instead, experiment with: “Does the rule work right now, for this situation?

If you take this for a test drive, let me know how it goes.