How Labels Mislead Us (Plus What to Do Instead)
We can ask ourselves, who do we want to be in the world? How do we want to be in the world? And then we can act accordingly. We decide how we show up, not our labels.
A client, whom we’ll call Holden, is a college junior—he has a circle of friends, studies hard sometimes, slacks off sometimes, and loves hot wings, politics, and noir movies. He’s also an introvert.
The other night, his college house held its winter formal. He decided not to go, which is totally fine. But his reasoning raised my spidey senses: “Well, I’m an introvert, so I’m not going to go.”
Holden’s generally not a fan of parties. He’d rather host a game night or talk politics in someone’s dorm room late into the night.
But occasionally he ends up at parties, and more often than not, he enjoys something: a deep conversation in the corner, people-watching, being silly with the friends he came with.
So when he decides to forgo the winter formal not because of his experiences, but because of his “introvert” label, he makes himself ineligible for something he might actually enjoy.
The label determines his actions, rather than his values, goals, or experiences.
Holden’s definitely not alone. It’s super common to let our labels determine our actions.
For example, if we’re “a good friend,” we might overextend and exhaust ourselves by taking care of everyone in our friend group.
If we’ve “got it all together,” we might hide our inevitable human problems from our friends or family.
If we’re “awkward,” we might hold back on initiating conversations, get-togethers, or dates.
But by letting our labels determine our actions, we lose sight of what we actually want to do.
What can guide our actions instead of labels?
Our values.
Our goals.
Our experiences.
We can ask ourselves, who do we want to be in the world? How do we want to be in the world? And then we can act accordingly. We decide how we show up, not our labels.
“A good friend” can still set boundaries when that’s what’s needed.
Someone who’s “got it all together” can reach out and ask for help .
Even if we’re “awkward,” if we value connection and closeness, we can initiate, say, game night. Holden, for one, would be happy to join you.