3 Truths About Self-Compassion That Made Me Say, “Oh, Now I Get It”
Self-compassion starts with turning *towards* our own pain, stress, and anxiety rather than avoiding it.
Hi friends,
Yesterday you got a (re-)introduction to this newsletter and Substack. Today, here’s your regularly scheduled every-other-Friday newsletter!
This week, let’s talk self compassion.
Self-compassion intuitively sounds pretty great. Even better, the data says it’s pretty great, like this meta-analysis of 79 different samples that links self-compassion and well-being.
But, like “confidence” or “authenticity,” it’s one of those things that’s straightforward to understand (*pats forehead*), but waaay harder to implement into real life (*pats heart*).
Those of us who are hard on ourselves (*cough cough*) have a particularly hard time doing this. Why? Self-compassion is a Vitamixed smoothie of three things: self-kindness, non-judgmental mindfulness, and connection to the larger human experience. But our self-critical brains are reverse-threaded for all three of those things: we’re wired to be tough on ourselves rather than kind, faultfinding rather than non-judgmental, and see our struggles as shortcomings that render us less-than rather than common experiences that connect us with others. In short, self-compassion is the opposite of self-criticism in not one, but three ways. No wonder we faceplant when we try it.
Therefore, here are three facts that made self-compassion easier for me to wrap my head (and my heart) around.
Truth #1: Self-compassion starts with turning towards our own pain, stress, and anxiety rather than avoiding it.
It sounds so basic, but for me, when I heard it presented this way, it was like seeing it written in the stars.
Self-compassion is two steps: first, noticing and approaching our own distress, and next asking, “What do I need here?” “What would be helpful?”
Picture an old-fashioned butler with a white cloth draped over their forearm. They pick up on your body language or facial expression—they intuit you need something. Then they approach and ask, with a regal bow, “How can I help you?”
This is not what those of us who are tough on ourselves usually do. Usually, when we start to spiral, feel inadequate, or our inner critic gets loud, we move away from our pain. We procrastinate, get caught up in worry or rumination, distract ourselves with scrolling or stress-eating, or otherwise disengage. Self-compassion is different—it’s turning toward our distress. It’s a willingness to engage in order to offer care.
Truth #2: Compassion doesn’t have to be calm or soothing, it’s doing what’s needed.
Compassion is doing what works. Legendary psychologist Dr. Paul Gilbert, founder of Compassion-Focused Therapy, gives the example of a firefighter running into a burning home to save a family. That’s compassionate for sure: it literally runs towards pain and suffering to do what’s helpful, but it’s definitely not quiet and soothing.
In that spirit, compassion can be a million things:
Compassion can be understanding. “Of course I’m anxious—I’ve never tried this before.”
Compassion can be validation. “It makes sense that I’m angry—anyone would be angry in a situation like this.”
Compassion can be kind encouragement to do something hard.
But it can also be permission to take our nose off the grindstone and not do something hard.
Compassion can be tolerating an annoying person and reminding ourselves that everyone is just doing their best.
But compassion can also be bravely standing up for ourselves and telling the annoying person to knock it off.
Compassion can be taking steps to rectify the daily irritants of life.
But it can also be reminding ourselves that the daily irritants of life bind us to every other human on earth because we all experience them.
Truth #3: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
Sometimes compassion includes words—talking ourselves through pain or hyping ourselves up to take action. But even if the words are kind, speaking to ourselves in a finger-wagging tone kills compassion. For example, saying, “Everyone feels anxious sometimes” or “What you’re going through is objectively hard,” might technically be true, but if we say it with an implied tone of “So quitcherbitchin and get on with it already,” it negates the care.
Therefore, listen to how you talk to yourself. So many of us unwittingly channel our inner nun-with-ruler, but self-compassion is friendly, empathic, and as the name implies, compassionate.
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My valediction seems particularly appropriate today!
As always, take care of others and yourself,
I'm still working toward a point of wanting to be self-compassionate, and believing I'm deserving of compassion. I understand these truths, but I think I have more work to do regarding shame and low self-worth before I can be compassionate toward myself and have the attitude to match.
"Doing what is needed" is a big part of dialectical behavioral therapy or DBT, which I'm doing right now. It's a huge challenge for me. It sounds so obvious but most of my brain wants nothing to do with it.
I am trying to not beat myself up for being so stuck. Much easier said than done of course.