2 Big Myths Perfectionism Wants You to Believe

We might admire people’s performances, but we like them for who they are and how they make us feel.

Yesterday I met with a client we’ll call Laura who logged on to our meeting in tears. She’s a high school senior and an accomplished pianist. She has a recital (today!) and is worried about a particularly technical passage in one sonata. “Sometimes I can do it, but sometimes I overthink it, miss notes, and get thrown off,” she said. “I’m worried I’m going to screw it up and  let people down.”  

Of course Laura wanted to give a good performance. But she was focused too hard on just that: her performance. Why? Laura equated making mistakes with letting people down. A less-than-perfect performance, she worried, would end in disappointment and disapproval from people she cared about. 

This is classic perfectionism. Let’s say it together: perfectionism isn’t about striving to be perfect; it’s about never feeling good enough. 

To dive deeper, let’s look at the two biggest myths perfectionism wants you to believe:

Myth 1: If I avoid mistakes, people will like me.

People who struggle with perfectionism focus on their own perceived flaws, not just in piano sonatas, but in any “performance,” whether that’s social, academic, work, athletic, you name it. We work hard to avoid potential mistakes, errors, or awkwardness. There’s a part of our brain that thinks, “If I do this well enough, people will like me.” 

But is that true? Do you like people for how skilled and polished they are? That might be a small piece of the pie, but generally we like people for being friendly, supportive, and trustworthy. We might admire people’s performances, but we like them for who they are and how they make us feel.

Myth 2: Compliments mean that people like me.

Compliments, praise, and admiration feel good! Heck, a sincere compliment can leave us with a goofy smile for the rest of the day. But “I like what you said,” “I like how you look,” or “I like the results you got” is not the same as “I like you.”

Let’s turn it inside out: think of someone in your life who does something you kind of disapprove of. Maybe they have terrible taste in music, should really shave off that mustache, or should absolutely stop hooking up with their ex. Does your disapproval mean you don’t like them? No, those are different things.

Likewise, approval is a nice cherry on top, but true liking is the overall holistic sundae, which can actually withstand a fair bit of disapproval. 

Let’s bring it back to Laura. During our meeting, we did our best to shift her mindset from “Gotta get this right” to something more like, “Hey, I wanna share this amazing sonata with you!” 

In other words, rather than focusing only on her performance, she’s focusing on sharing and connecting with her audience through her music. In a move I’m totally going to steal, Laura summed it up as, “So basically I’m saying, ‘Look at this cool rock I found!’”

Let’s bring it home: channel the energy of “look at this cool rock I found!” for any metaphorical rock—a presentation at work, a conversation with a friend, or a piano sonata. Test-drive shifting your focus from performance to connection and watch the pressure lighten.