You’ve tried talking to yourself kindly.
You’ve asked yourself, “How would I talk to a good friend?”
You’ve taken a swimming pool’s worth of self-care bubble baths.
You’ve tried all the things: gratitude, self-compassion, mindfulness, blah, blah, blah.
So why are you still so hard on yourself?
Now, a degree of self-criticism is normal and helpful. Self-criticism is the core of humans’ ability to self-regulate. It’s a form of self-monitoring meant to keep our behavior socially acceptable so we stay part of the tribe. Our distant ancestors’ ability to self-criticize and self-correct meant the difference between remaining part of a community and being kicked to the curb.
But anything that confers an evolutionary advantage has the potential to overgrow, including self-criticism.
Why do we keep being hard on ourselves even when it hurts? Because we think it buys us more than it costs us. We think going easier on ourselves will open us up to dangers greater than the pain of our own self-criticism.
What is self-criticism buying us? According to Dr. Raymond M. Bergner of Illinois State University, author of the not-exactly-light-and-airy but incredibly perceptive academic tome, Pathological Self-Criticism, we self-criticize for lots of reasons. Here are nine—do you recognize yourself in any of these?
1. Perceived self-improvement.
We criticize ourselves because we think it will make us better. If we stop, we’ll grind to a halt, mired in, as Dr. Bergner writes, “complacency, stagnation, and repeated failure.” Without self-criticism, we reason, we’ll never achieve the improvement we need.
2. Perceived humility.
We criticize ourselves to keep our ego in check. We’re trying to avoid hubris, narcissism, or otherwise getting a big head, but we mistakenly think putting ourselves down is virtuous. As Bergner says, we “cannot find the borderline between humility and self-mistreatment.”
3. Protection from others’ criticism.
We think self-criticism protects us: no one can criticize us if we do it first. And besides, our self criticism says if we raised ourselves up, there would be farther to fall when we get shot down.
4. Protection from disappointment.
If we think well of ourselves, we might start to think that we could actually accomplish our dreams. We’d get our hopes up. By contrast, if we think little of ourselves, we can’t possibly expect much of ourselves, and we’ll never have to suffer the pain of disappointing ourselves by trying and falling short.
5. Perceived atonement.
Self-criticism means we’re punishing ourselves for our transgressions. We’re communicating remorse and showing we’re sorry, both of which are prosocial signals meant to help us rejoin the tribe after a transgression. We just don’t know when to stop.
6. A sense of superiority.
This one is counterintuitive. But when we hold ourselves to exalted expectations, it implies that normal expectations are beneath us. As one of Bergner’s clients put it, “The standards that apply to ordinary people will not do; I adopt a higher standard for myself.”
7. Reassurance.
This one is counterintuitive, too. But by broadcasting our self-criticism, we might get assurance that we’re ok. Think announcing, “I’m so ugly!” in order to hear, “No, you’re gorgeous!”
8. Safer Expression of Anger.
If we don’t feel safe getting angry at someone else, we might get angry at ourselves. Bergner gives the example of a client who spent several hours prepping a celebratory meal for her partner. He got home late and ate it in silence. She was rightfully offended, but rather than communicating her anger directly, she “proclaimed loudly that she was a terrible cook who never did anything right and ran sobbing from the table.” She was angry at him for his callousness, but disguised it as self-criticism.
9. Reduced Pressure and Expectations.
This is classic self-handicapping. We might self-criticize so others don’t expect too much of us.
Did you recognize yourself in any of the nine things self-criticism “buys” us?
Personally, mine are 2 and 3. I can see how I thought self-criticism would buy me humility and protection: I mean, who wants to be a raging narcissist or a punching bag?
But the costs were high: rejecting compliments (“Oh, this old thing?”) made it appear as if I was rejecting the giver, and trying to reciprocate kind words to “even things out” made me look disingenuous or made kindness appear transactional.
And 3 was simply futile. Much like America Ferrera’s iconic speech at the end of Barbie about how it’s impossible to be a woman “correctly,” it’s also impossible to be a human being without getting criticized. Criticism is part of the package deal of being alive, so better to make room for it than try to prevent it.
Have I left self-criticism behind forever? I wish. But through a mix of trying to change my self-criticism and accept it as simply part of how I’m wired (self-criticism is inevitable, but I don’t have to listen to it), I’d like to think I’m on my way.
Which of the nine perceived benefits of self-criticisms did you notice in yourself?
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Be kind to others and yourself!
Definitely 2-6 and 8 and 9. Especially 6, 8, and 9, and I think the thing these all have in common for me is this general feeling of not deserving self-compassion or being alright with myself, flaws and all. For almost my entire life I've felt I need to do much more than others in order to be treated as an equal---so when I fail to meet those standards I place on myself, criticizing myself does feel like atonement, in a sense, or necessary punishment, like being chastised or yelled at by a parent for disobeying them or a priest for committing a sin.