“If I’m so worried about what others think of me, does that make me narcissistic?”
Spoiler: no. Here are 4 reasons why.
A reporter once asked me this rather hair-raising question: if people with social anxiety are so focused on what people think of them, doesn’t that make them narcissists? If they assume that they’re the center of attention and that everyone is looking at them and judging them, isn’t that self-centered?
At the time, the question threw me for the biggest of loops because I instinctively knew people with social anxiety are emphatically *not* narcissists, but I couldn’t articulate why at the time. After many months of marination (alliteration alert!) here are 4 reasons:
Difference #1:
Narcissists say “Look at me.”
People with social anxiety say “Don’t look at me.”
This is the biggest difference. Those of us familiar with social anxiety often wish we could fade into the background, while those with a streak of narcissism want to be in the spotlight.
With social anxiety, attention makes us feel self-conscious, which is a social emotion. Social emotions require at least one other person to be present (even in our imaginations)--that’s why the emotions are “social.” Other examples include embarrassment, guilt, shame, and pride. When we’re alone or with people we consider safe, we feel fine, but if we’re with people who could evaluate us and find us lacking, that old self-conscious sense of “don’t look at me” creeps in again.
Difference #2:
People with narcissism feel entitled to praise.
Praise can make folks with social anxiety uncomfortable.
People with narcissism need praise, either to bolster their grandiose self-image or to protect them from their feelings of inadequacy. Either way, positive attention fills them in a way that feels deserved. They eagerly await flattery, gratitude, or appreciation and feel resentful if praise isn’t forthcoming.
By contrast, for folks familiar with social anxiety, praise can feel good, but sometimes it feels uneasy. Even if the outcome is positive—thankfulness, compliments, or being serenaded with “Happy Birthday” or a congratulatory toast—our brain takes it as proof that we’re being watched and evaluated, which feels uncomfortable.
Difference #3:
People with narcissism think social rules don’t apply to them.
People with social anxiety see rules as important.
People with narcissism and people with social anxiety approach rules in fundamentally different ways. Narcissists break social rules when it suits them. It’s not that they’re not aware of what the rules are, they just don’t care. They also think rule-followers are fools or suckers or don’t understand how the world works.
By contrast, those of us familiar with social anxiety work hard to follow social rules and be appropriate, even when the rules are subjective and self-generated—we might set rules for ourselves like “I have to be chill and non-problematic,” “I can’t make mistakes,” “I can’t look anxious.” Our rules keep our behavior appropriate, but also creates a lot of pressure to meet our own demanding standards.
We appreciate other rule-followers. Seeing rule-breakers get away with things is often annoying: “Hey, he can’t just join the weightlifting class without registering. I waited three weeks for a space to open.” But occasionally rule-benders can be inspiring: “Oh, I guess no one yells at you if you ask the flight attendant for the whole can of soda rather than just the plastic cup.”
Difference #4:
People with narcissism try to compensate for not feeling good enough by showing off.
People with social anxiety compensate for not feeling good enough by working hard to follow the rules.
People with narcissism might turn up the flash, the braggadocio, or the performative altruism (“See how generous I am? Compliment me.”) in order to make up for feeling inadequate. They’ll double down on standing out.
Those of us with social anxiety also overdo it, but in a totally different way. We’ll double down on getting along. We’ll be overly polite, hyper-appropriate, super thoughtful, over-the-top agreeable. None of these things are bad. In fact, they often get us smiles and compliments. But then, our overcompensation gets the credit for us not getting judged or rejected.
All in all, even if our *self* is at the center of both social anxiety and narcissism, it’s in that same way that a popsicle can be fruit or clam chowder, which is to say: they’re totally different.
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Be kind to others and yourself!
Thanks for another nice writeup Ellen. A great contrast between narcissism and social anxiety, but a bit on the black-and-white side. Just like most mental health issues and dysfunctions, there is a spectrum. One can surely have social anxiety while also having traits of narcissism.