A client we’ll call Jessica,* like many of us, is hard on herself. She’s an admissions officer at a local college and is her own worst critic, especially around work. The other day she gave a presentation for matriculated students. When I asked how it went, she responded with all the things she could have done better: “I just stood behind the podium, but the best speakers walk around and interact with the audience.” “I used too many filler words like ‘um’--I’ve done this a million times and shouldn’t be doing that.” “I have to be more engaging.” It was classic tough-on-herself Jessica.
Is Jessica working on being less self-critical? Yes, absolutely.
But does she have to stop being self critical before she can move forward in life? Actually, no.
This is fresh from the Journal of Counterintuitive Results. Indeed, the bulk of the advice around self-criticism focuses on NOT doing it. We’re supposed to work hard to stop self-criticizing, stop being unkind to ourselves, stop being so hard on ourselves, the list goes on.
However, I’ve been a self-critic and worked with self-critical clients long enough to know that often, we’re just wired that way. It’s just what our brains do. There’s no moral judgment on it.
Furthermore, fixating on “I have to stop” implies that we’re doing yet another thing wrong.
“I have to stop” implies we have to control our thoughts, but when has that ever worked?
Finally, “I have to stop” eats up a lot of time and energy we could spend on other things.
For instance, whenever I do anything involving a microphone or a publisher, my brain tells me whatever I created isn’t good enough and should have been better. I don’t love this. It feels lousy. But I’ve been sending my stuff into the world long enough to know that this is just what happens. It’s just how I’m wired. It’s “part of the script,” a mindset we talked about regarding social anxiety in this newsletter a few weeks ago. Seeing self-criticism and self-doubt as things that play out naturally rather than fires to be immediately doused help me take them less seriously and less literally.
Here’s a classic metaphor: Imagine you’re at a cafe. You sip your coffee and do whatever it is you do at a cafe—work, study, catch up with a friend, people-watch, read a book. There’s music playing over the sound system. You can hear it. It’s definitely there in the background, but you’re not listening to it. And you’re definitely not singing along or doing the latest TikTok dance along to the beat. It’s just part of the background noise, and you can, for the most part, tune it out and focus on what you’re there to do: work, relax, or connect.
For you, what’s your self-critical equivalent to cafe background music? What does your brain habitually churn out? “I will not get through this”? “I will upset everyone”? “I didn’t do that correctly”? What self-criticisms or self-doubts have you been experiencing long enough that you know they’re automatic?
For Jessica, her automatic background music was “I did it wrong.” Did hearing the music make it go away? No, but that’s not the point. Next time she gives a talk at work she can recognize her brain’s inevitable self-critical comments for what they are—background noise—and instead focus on what’s important to her and her life.
If you try this, let me know your experience! I love to hear from readers.
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Be kind to others and yourself!