4 Concrete Ways to Reach Out When You're Lonely
I promise, no fuzzy or eye-rolling tips like "Be Open," or "Smile More."
2024 is a lonely time. Way back in 2004, a large-scale survey found that 1 in 4 Americans had no close friends at all. And I’ll bet you a lonely partridge in a pear tree that the percentage is even higher twenty years and one global pandemic later.
With so many people feeling isolated, you’d think everyone would be talking about it. But no one does. There’s a stigma to admitting we’re starved for company.
Let’s define it: loneliness is perceived social isolation. It’s “perceived” because we can feel totally alone in the midst of a crowd, or we can feel connected and supported even when when we’re by ourselves.
The lonely among us, it turns out, see the world differently. In one study, lonely and non-lonely college students watched video clips of lunchtime at college dining halls.
The videos showed both positive and negative social interactions; for instance, there might be a positive interaction where someone smiles, nods while a friend talks, or leans into a conversation. At the same time, it also showed negative interactions, like someone turning his back or ignoring another person.
Here’s where things get interesting: researchers used eye-tracking technology to see what the study participants focused on. Lonely individuals immediately fixated on the negative interactions. They picked up on signs of potential rejection right away, perhaps better to avoid it and protect themselves.
This makes sense. If you’re already feeling vulnerable, of course you’ll be vigilant to rejection. We all get a little paranoid when we’re lonely.
But zeroing in on threat means that when we’re lonely, we see potential rejection everywhere.
Here’s the kicker: even though lonely people anticipate rejection, a number of other studies find they don’t get rejected out of hand. Instead, the expectation of rejection leads to avoidance or half-hearted attempts at socializing, which in turn sends the message to others that they’re not interested or don’t want to be there. The mixed messages leave others unsure what to do. Basically, it’s a big misunderstanding on both sides.
How to make things easier? Here are four try-this-today, concrete-mixer-worthy methods to test drive:
Pick up where you left off.
Start with your existing but neglected social circle; it’s easier to reconnect with old friends than to start from scratch. Think about who you’ve lost touch with and reach out to catch up. If they’re local, even better—after some digital reconnection, you have the option of IRL.
If you’re hesitant to contact someone after some time away, turn the tables. How would you react if they contacted you? Probably delighted. Assume the same for them and reach out.
Keep showing up.
The fastest way to build community is to join a ready-made group. Steer clear of one-time events or drop-in classes where the people change constantly. Especially for the shy among us, focus on a group that meets regularly with the same people.
Then, stick with any new group for at least a season or session—3-4 months. After that, if you don’t like it or haven’t met anyone, you can throw in the towel, but hang in there until then. Repetition is key. The biggest reason people are friends? Yes, it’s their love of water polo or geocaching or competitive dog grooming, but it’s also the sheer repetition of seeing each other week after week.
Groups get a lot of one-and-dones and dabblers. Established members won’t take you seriously until you show you’re serious about the group by showing up week after week. And once you’re established…
Take on a leadership role.
Having a role to play is a blessing for the shy among us because it requires less social improvising. You’ll have a set of duties, you’ll know what you’re supposed to be doing, and you’ll have a reason to connect with everyone, even if it’s just to remind them to Venmo their dues.
Use each bout of loneliness as a cue to make social plans.
Most of us don’t feel lonely all the time. Instead, it comes in waves. Each time loneliness flares—a weekend with no plans, passing a giant bachelorette party on the street (though I always wonder if they all even know each others’ names)—use it as a cue to take action: text a friend to meet up for a run next weekend or look at the schedule for that Meetup you’ve been meaning to go to. It won’t make company appear in the moment, but you’ll have created something social to look forward to.
One last thing: I got some feedback that animated gifs in the newsletter can be distracting, so I went animation-free in this one. What do you think? Reach out to let me know (or just to say hi!) I always love to hear from you.
Did you find this note from me useful? If so, please share it with one person you care about. Even in our digital world, a word of mouth recommendation is still the most valuable.
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Be kind to others and yourself!
**This newsletter (with a lot of editing and updates) is based on a Savvy Psychologist episode first published in December 2014.**
Animations or no, the posts are always great because of their content! I feel like this newsletter is becoming a weird kind of horoscope for me. Every post hits on something that is currently relevant to me! I'm going to look for a group that meets regularly. It's surprisingly hard. Nowadays everything is drop-in.
I make plans in advance and then consistently ditch those plans. As the plans approach, I begin to absolutely dread them. What is this?? Why??